


Bracket Closing-Bracket

by Anon_H



Series: Bag o gifts [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack/Rarepair, Gift Fic, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 18:47:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1084454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon_H/pseuds/Anon_H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which John and Kanaya establish a moiraillegiance to aid each other in their cross-cultural dating life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bracket Closing-Bracket

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mocken999](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mocken999/gifts).



**\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 09:21--**

GA: John  
GA: Are You Present  
GA: I Require Your Assistance  
GA: The Situation Is Dire And I Fear Rose Might Be Dying  
GA: John  
GA: Please  
GA: This Is Urgent  
GA: Help  
EB: oh my god!  
EB: what’s wrong?!  
EB: can i help? what’s wrong with rose?  
GA: She Began Bleeding Uncontrollably  
GA: I Fear The Grimdarkness Is Taking Over Again  
GA: She Is Lashing Out At Everything And Everyone Irrationally  
GA: I Did Not Want To Leave Her But My Own Wellbeing Was At Stake  
GA: I Have Locked Myself In The Attic And Am Quite Frankly Terrified  
GA: What If I Have To Put Her Down John  
GA: I Do Not Think I Will Be Capable Of That  
EB: oh man, this sounds serious.  
EB: i should probably call dave as well.  
GA: Please  
EB: when did this happen?  
GA: This Morning  
GA: It Was The First Thing I Noticed When I Got Up  
EB: was her skin all grey-like?  
EB: not troll-grey but grim-grey?  
GA: No  
EB: huh  
EB: well was her hair white?  
EB: not blonde but actually white?  
GA: I Do Not Think So  
EB: how strange……  
EB: i also don’t remember anything about her bleeding when going grimdark.  
GA: It  
GA: It Was From An Unusual Place  
GA: So To Speak  
EB: err……  
GA: Not A Location I Imagine You Have Seen From Her  
EB: eeeeerrrr……….  
GA: Please Do Not Make Me Say It  
EB: i am going to have to if i want to find out what’s going on….  
EB: but i feel like i don’t want to know……  
GA: Indeed  
GA: Imagine My Horror When I Found Out  
GA: Then She Got Upset And Began Lashing Out  
GA: Followed By Shrieking  
GA: Dear God The Shrieking  
GA: Have You Called Dave Yet  
EB: i don’t think that’s necessary  
GA: Are We Beyond Saving  
EB: no, see…..  
EB: oh man….. i am no expert on the matter and dave will laugh his ass off if he hears i had to tell you this but.  
EB: well…..  
EB: this is considered normal human behavior  
GA: I  
GA: What  
GA: That Is Mortifying  
EB: which is why i am so glad only women have it  
EB: basically because we’re mammals…..  
EB: oh god, i really don’t want to explain this.  
GA: John Please  
GA: I Need To Understand What Is Happening To Rose  
EB: ……… it’s gonna gross both of us out, but here goes.  
EB: because we are mammals, our ‘young’ grow inside of us.  
GA: A Disgusting Idea I Was Well Aware Of Yes  
EB: right  
EB: to accommodate this….. basically a microscopic egg waits in the womb to be….  
EB: err…… fertilized.  
EB: can you maybe talk this over with jade?  
EB: she knows this stuff better than i do.  
GA: She Is Not Online And I Believe Time May Be Of The Essence  
GA: Also I Thought Your Species Did Not Use Eggs  
EB: well, it’s not an egg per se but……  
EB: oh man…… why do i have to do this……  
EB: if the egg doesn’t get fertilized in time the body pretty much ejects the egg in the bloody mess you saw with rose and oh god i just pictured it and i’m going to be sick  
GA: And That Caused The Shrieking  
EB: pretty much  
GA: Well It Cant Take Long  
GA: With How Much Blood She Lost The Egg Must Have Been Expelled Already  
EB: it takes about a week  
GA: What  
EB: yeah, i know. biology.  
GA: She Has To Endure  
GA: That  
GA: For A Week  
EB: not to mention the apparent crankiness and mood swings that come with it  
GA: Poor Rose  
GA: How Can I Assist Her  
EB: chocolate  
GA: What  
EB: chocolate  
GA: Is This Your Attempt At Humor Again  
GA: Like The Time You Convinced Me Human Harry Potter Was An Important Historical Figure  
GA: Or When You Convinced Karkat Bunnyrabbits Are Your Most Dangerous Predators On Your Planet  
GA: Or—  
EB: no, no, no. i am entirely serious.  
EB: give her chocolate.  
EB: human women love chocolate.  
GA: I See  
GA: Are You Absolutely Certain  
EB: yes.  
GA: Because It Sounds Kind Of Odd  
EB: it is scientifically proven.  
GA: Very Well Then  
GA: I Shall Trust Your Judgment And Secure An Emergency Supply Chocolate Post Haste  
GA: Thank You For Your Assistance  
EB: no problem.

**\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 10:31--**

* * *

 

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 15:16--**

EB: kanaya.  
EB: oh man, kanaya.  
EB: you have to help me.  
EB: you’re the only sane troll i can turn to, please help me.  
EB: come on, i know you’re online, respond.  
GA: Yes John  
GA: Thank You For Waiting Ever So Patiently  
GA: That Was Sarcasm  
EB: yeah, that’s great…. there’s something wrong with karkat  
GA: What Is It  
EB: he….. err…..  
EB: oh man this is awkward.  
GA: I Believe I Can Handle It  
GA: After My Embarassing Display Regarding Rose’s Human Period  
GA: I Suppose Mutual Embarrassment Is Going To Be A Thing With Us  
EB: right well….  
EB: here goes.  
EB: karkat keeps humping me and it is kind awkward…  
GA: Hahahaahaahahahahahahahahahahahaha  
EB: KANAYA!  
GA: Hahaha  
GA: Aaaah  
GA: I Do Apologize John  
GA: It Was Not My Intent To Mock Your Frankly Hilarious Lack Of Knowledge Regarding Troll Biology  
EB: knew i should have told you rose was about to give birth to the horrors of the furthest ring when you came to me for help…..  
GA: I Was Sincere  
GA: I Did Not Intend To Mock You  
GA: It Is Objectively Really Funny  
EB: yeah, well what is going on?  
GA: Let Me See  
GA: You Only Have One Moon That Makes It Trickier To Read  
GA: This Has Not Happened Before Correct  
EB: no, not as far as i know  
GA: Now John  
GA: I Need You To Listen Very Carefully  
GA: Because It Might Be A Little Difficult To Believe   
GA: But I Think Karkat Is In Heat  
EB: aha, i see what you’re doing.  
EB: not cool kanaya, trying to prank me like that.  
EB: now come on, what’s the deal.  
EB: alien rabies? troll flue?  
GA: Elipses  
EB: oh man….. you’re not joking.  
GA: Indeed I Am Not  
EB: oh….. well…. this is awkward.  
EB: what err…… what do i do about it? besides the obvious?  
GA: It Only Takes Three Day Cycles To Get It Out Of A Trolls System  
GA: Mine Should Begin Soon As Well  
EB: so….. what does it do?  
GA: It Basically Kickstarts The Breeding Urge In Every Troll  
EB: yeah…. i kinda notice.  
EB: honestly, is this even karkat?  
EB: did someone replace him while i wasn’t looking?  
GA: I Assure You It Is Still Karkat  
EB: alright, so what else happens?  
EB: what causes it?  
GA: Basically Just That  
GA: Troll Hormones Go Rampant And Make Us Look For A Partner To Be Able To Offer A Bucket To The Drones  
GA: And  
GA: Hmmmmm  
GA: This Must Be What You Felt Like Explaining Human Periods  
GA: It Is Rather  
GA: Uncomfortable  
EB: come on, go on.  
EB: i need to figure out what to do with karkat.  
GA: Basically It Means We Seek Out Like-Minded Trolls To Fill Buckets With  
GA: To Avoid Getting Culled By The Drones  
GA: It Often Results In Very Short-Lived Matespritships  
EB: i see  
EB: does this happen often  
GA: About Once Every Alternian Solar Sweep  
GA: Or Once Every Two Human Years  
EB: Well….. i guess six days a year aren’t as bad as 12 weeks a year. your species lucked out  
GA: I Would Not Put It Like That But It Does Sound Preferable Over The Human Alternative  
GA: Not To Mention A Lot More Balanced  
GA: Each Troll Gets These Drifts But Only Human Females Have To Endure That Biological Torture  
GA: It Sounds So Incredibly Unfair  
EB: yeah well…. it kinda is perhaps?  
EB: i try not to think too much about it you know.  
EB: it’s just biology.  
GA: Maddening  
EB: so these troll drifts are the same for you and karkat?  
GA: Well  
GA: The Lower Blooded Trolls Tend To Get Them A Bit Sooner Than The Highbloods  
GA: Considering I Am Somewhere On The Middle I Will Probably Start About Two Days From Now  
EB: what do you do about it?  
EB: or is this something i really don’t want to know?  
EB: never mind, it is something i really don’t want to know.  
GA: Considering I Have A Matesprit  
GA: I Will Probably Be Very Much Like Karkat Is With You Now  
GA: Albeit With A Different Human  
EB: i really can’t imagine you humping rose’s leg like this……  
GA: I Am Not Entirely Sure If This Is A Compliment Or Not  
EB: no, it is.  
EB: you’re like, way to classy to be doing stuff like this.  
EB: if i would see you the way karkat is now i would think someone’s pranking me.  
GA: Well  
GA: We All Have Different Ways To Uhm  
GA: Cope  
GA: With Our Urges  
EB: haha i guess  
EB: so basically what i need to do now is to uhm… oh geesh.  
EB: to accommodate karkat in his needs?  
GA: That Would Be For The Best  
EB: oh man……  
EB: well……  
EB: yeah…..  
EB: guess i’ll see you in a few days then  
GA: Should I Be Worried If I Receive No Messages  
GA: Do You Want Me To Call The Human Police If Things Remain Quiet  
GA: These Are Attempts At Humor Please Do Not Take Them Seriously  
EB: haha i figured.  
EB: you good luck too with…. however you cope with your urges.  
GA: Much Appreciated  
GA: Do Not Expect To Hear From Rose For A While  
EB: waaaay too much information.  
GA: I Think We Long Since Passed That Point  
EB: …..that’s fair.

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 16:33--**

* * *

 

**\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:29--**

GA: John  
GA: Are You Currently In The Vicinity Of Your Computing Device  
GA: I Guess You Are Not  
GA: This Might Be A Little Awkward But Will Simplify Matters From My End  
GA: I Know Humans Do Not Really Comprehend Our Quadrant System  
GA: Though Our Romantic Endeavors Overlap A Lot Regarding Matespritship You Lack The Equivalent Of Kismesitude Or Auspistism  
GA: Or Moiraillegiance  
GA: Which Is Why After An Extended Period Of Pondering About The Subject I Reached The Following Conclusion  
EB: hi kanaya  
EB: how are you doing?  
GA: John  
GA:   
GA: Hi  
GA: How Have You Been  
EB: quite well when karkat came to his sense  
EB: its pretty cute how he tries to come up with elaborate romantic stuff to make up for it  
EB: did you err……  
GA: If You Mean To Ask If I Had My Urges Yet  
GA: Then Yes  
GA: I Had  
GA: Rose Was Incredibly Receptive Of Them  
EB: do i want to hear this?  
GA: You Probably Do Not  
GA: I Shall Be Quiet  
EB: thanks? i guess  
EB: anyway, what did you want to talk about?  
GA: Yes  
GA: I Had Something I Desired To Discuss With You  
GA: However You Appearing Online Has Put A Bit Of A Damper On My Willingness To Approach The Subject  
EB: well, you were talking about quadrants.  
EB: are you looking for one of those hatemance things?  
GA: No Not Really  
GA: Rose Is Very Demanding Regarding The Concupiscent Quadrant So I Do Not Feel Very Inclined To Look For One  
GA: But Yes  
GA: It Is About Quadrants  
EB: well, shoot.  
GA: I Feel Like I Can Really Confide In You John  
GA: Even The Really Embarassing Stuff Like That Last Incident  
GA: Though You May Have A Comment On It Never Do I Feel Like You Will Judge Me For it  
GA: It Makes Me Feel Secure  
GA: As If The Moment I Will Fall And Reach Out It Will Be You Ready To Hold My Hand And Help Me Up  
EB: eh?  
GA: I Feel That If Somehow We Were Forced To Play The Game Again I Would Be Safe If You Were With Me  
GA: I Hope That Somehow  
GA: You Feel The Same About Me  
EB: uhm, wauw…. i mean, kanaya.  
EB: geesh….  
EB: i am very flattered and all that but well…..  
EB: we already have matesprits and i don’t think it’s fair towards karkat and rose to just go behind their backs like this.  
GA: Oh John  
GA: This Is Simultaneously What I Feared Would Happen If I Brought It Up And Incredibly Adorable  
EB: it is?  
GA: I Am Pale For You John  
EB: oh, wait isn’t that what equius and that other troll have?  
GA: Nepeta Yes  
GA: I Realize Humans Lack A Similar Form Of Romance  
GA: But It Does Not Serve To Diminish My Feelings  
EB: it is kinda weird.  
EB: dont i have a sorta pale-relationship with dave, jade and rose already?  
GA: I Suppose To An Extent  
EB: i mean, i am all for discussing problems with you and all don’t get me wrong.  
EB: i just don’t feel like i have many problems  
GA: Aside From The Occasional Leg Humping From Karkat And A Lack Of Understanding Regarding Troll Culture  
EB: hehe, yeah.  
EB: i am all for trying i guess. this quadrant isn’t about kissing and romance and stuff right?  
GA: Every Quadrant Is About Romance John  
EB: oh yeah.  
EB: gah, it’s all so confusing.  
GA: Perhaps  
GA: If I May Be So Bold  
GA: It Is Rather Unusual In Troll Culture But This Is An Unusual Situation To Begin With  
GA: I Would Suggest We Talk This Over  
GA: In Person  
EB: hmm so we can figure out how this is supposed to work?  
EB: i mean, i am not against the idea.  
EB: i am just a little confused about the details of what i am supposed to feel or do  
GA: If It Is Any Comfort  
GA: I Am Rather Confused About The Situation As Well  
GA: But I Am Very Glad I Got It Off My Chest  
EB: yeah i understand.  
EB: so do you want to come over?  
EB: should I prepare a pile?  
GA: John  
GA: You Never Ask A Troll To Get On The Pile Before The First Date  
EB: oh right…  
GA: It Is Quite Ok  
GA: I Enjoy Teaching You About My Culture  
EB: soooo….  
EB: diner and a movie then?  
GA: That Will Suffice  
EB: awesome  
EB: then i will see you tonight i think  
GA: You Certainly Will  
EB: i won’t lie, kinda nervous about it  
GA: So Am I  
GA: But It Is Rather Exiting  
GA: Finally We Shall Get To Embarrass Ourselves In Person As Opposed To The Second Handed Shame That Comes From Dealing With Alien Matesprits  
GA: More Sincerely However I Do Hope To Keep Embarrassing Myself To A Minimum  
EB: hahaha, i don’t think i’ll be able to do that  
GA: Do Not Fret  
GA: It Is Endearing  
EB: is this part of the pale talk already?  
GA: I Suppose I Am Rather Eager  
EB: anyway, i’ll make sure my place is ready.  
EB: see you in a bit

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 12:05--**

GA: Bracket  
GA: Closing Bracket

* * *

 

**\--2 months later—**

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:31--**

EB: kanaya, are you there?  
EB: i’m afraid i messed something up  
GA: What Seems To Be The Problem John  
EB: karkat won’t talk to me.  
EB: he locked himself in the bedroom and refuses to let me in.  
EB: he isn’t even shouting at me.  
GA: My That Does Seem Serious  
GA: What Has Caused This Drastic Behavioral Shift  
EB: i have no idea!  
GA: John  
GA: Think  
GA: Carefully Retread Your Steps  
EB: alright, so we were watching one of his troll romcoms  
GA: dot dot dot  
GA: Of Course You Were  
EB: he picked! he can’t have gotten mad because i picked a shitty movie.  
GA: Even Though We Are All Well Aware Your Taste In Movies Is Impeccable  
EB: your sarcasm is really getting better.  
GA: Thank You  
EB: anyway, he seemed a bit distracted.  
EB: like, he was playing with his phone a whole lot and it was going off all the time.  
EB: really kinda annoying.  
GA: I See  
GA: Who Was He Messaging  
EB: iunno.  
GA: John It Is Nesecary You Find Out Imideately  
EB: isn’t that breaching his privacy?   
GA: I Think Karkat Will Forgive You For Thinking Like A Troll  
GA: Besides  
GA: There Is No Better Excuse Than  
GA: ‘Because My Moirail Told Me To’  
EB: alright, got it.  
EB: let’s see……….  
EB: ………………………………………..  
GA: I Am Waiting In Anticipation John  
EB: i think i hurt my brain just looking at that.  
EB: he was messaging dave, but the last 5 texts were just full of dave rhyming poorly  
EB: who even rhymes bottles with models than bottles again?  
EB: that’s poor even for him.  
GA: John  
GA: I Feel You Are Losing Focus  
GA: What Was Karkats Response  
EB: well let’s see here…..  
EB: shut up you insufferable shitmongler  
EB: i will choke you with your own vocal chords and then hit you over the head with a human dictionary until you understand how to use words like a normal person  
EB: and the classic ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH’  
EB: you know, usual stuff.  
GA: Hmmmmmmmm  
EB: so did dave break karkat or something?  
GA: Well  
GA: Considering Their Constant Bickering Back On The Meteor I Could Never Help But Wonder  
GA: Are The Two Of Them Perhaps Considering A Black Relationship Together  
EB: what, dave?  
GA: They Have Been Getting Along Kind Of Amicable I Admit  
GA: But There Is Always This Underlaying Feeling Of Rivalry Between The Two  
GA: At Least  
GA: That Is The Impression I Get As Unrelated Third Party  
EB: hmmm but that’s weird.  
EB: karkat already has me and i don’t know if dave is into hatemance at all?  
GA: Exactly  
GA: It Might Be Very Difficult For Karkat To Deal With Such Uncertainties  
EB: he did say he wanted to try it the human way…..  
EB: does that mean he doesn’t want a kismesis?  
GA: Perhaps  
GA: Or Maybe He Is Simply Afraid It Will Hurt You  
GA: It Is A Discussion You Will Have To Hold With Him  
EB: oh man, i never even thought of that.  
EB: i mean i want him to be happy and all that, but it’ll be really weird if he suddenly gets a kismesis  
EB: even weirder if it’s dave; he’s my bro.  
GA: I Suggest You Debate The Issue With Karkat  
EB: he locked the door.  
GA: Then Break It Down  
GA: He Will Consider It Romantic  
EB: hahaha, i guess.  
EB: thanks kanaya.  
GA: You Are Welcome  
EB: anything new on your end?  
GA: Nothing Worth Noting  
GA: It Is Roses Time Again But I Am Prepared  
EB: emergency supply?  
GA: Pure Milk White Hazel Raisin And Extremely Pure Chocolate   
GA: Every Kind I Could Get My Hands On  
GA: I Wish To See If These Different Kinds Alter Her Moods In Different Ways  
EB: kanaya, i was joking when i suggested that.  
GA: I Was Not Serious Either  
EB: damn, you are getting good at this.  
GA: Should You Not Converse With Your Matesprit John  
EB: you’re right…… just a bit nervous.  
EB: <>  
GA: Bracket  
GA: Closing Bracket  
EB: …….. come on.  
EB: do it.  
GA: Do What  
GA: Questionmark  
EB: type the thingie?  
EB: just once? for me?  
GA: Never Tell Anyone  
EB: promise!  
GA: <>  
EB: hahahaha, yes!  
GA: I Admit  
GA: It Does Look Rather Nice  
EB: it does, doesn’t it?!  
GA: Now Off You Go  
EB: yeah, yeah.  
EB: thanks again kanaya.

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 22:12--**

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, who left me in charge of the John/Kanaya fics? 
> 
> Anyway, it was fun to write. Had to make a conscious effort not to reference 'sail the black ship' though. 
> 
> The couple might actually work better as a pale pair (as opposed to black) because with both of them constantly being shipped in rosemary and communism, it means they both need a guru in dating aliens.


End file.
